Chase is a little preoccupied at the moment. I just had back surgery and have little else to but lay in bed. When Chase mentioned he needed some ideas to keep The Streak alive, I offered to make a series of posts briefly detailing my picks for each division’s all-time team. It’s a pretty straightforward concept that has probably been done before, and I’m fine with that. My version comes with a twist: as I warned Chase, I am on quite a few different medications and may not be functioning at 100%. Thus, my stipulations for writing this series are as follows:

1. that I do it before my prescription runs out,
2. that I write it completely off the top of my head and don’t do any research,
3. that I don’t have to proofread this when I finish it, and
4. that Chase doesn’t edit my nonsense out of the article.

Because I had the idea and made my own rules, I got to set up rosters however I wanted. I landed on the following: one quarterback, two running backs, three wide receivers, two tight ends, two tackles, two guards, one center on offense; and two defensive ends, two defensive tackles, two outside linebackers, two middle/inside linebackers, three cornerbacks, and two safeties on defense. I also went with a kicker and punter, but no return man because I’m lazy and did this for Chase off the top of my head at the eleventh hour.

I also maintained modern division designations. That means if a Packers player from the 1990s makes the team, he does so as part of the NFC North rather than the NFC Central. I don’t have all day, folks.

Without further ado, here’s the AFC North.

Offense

Quarterback – Otto Graham

Sure, he played on a super team and for one of the greatest coaches in history. He nonetheless boasts some of the top era-adjusted numbers of all time, as well as seven title victories.

Running Backs – Jim Brown and Marion Motley

Brown is widely considered the greatest running back of all time. Motley was, in my opinion, the finest player on the dynasty Browns. Franco Harris crossed my mind, but only briefly.

Wide Receivers – Antonio Brown, Lynn Swann, and Dante Lavelli

Brown has already produced one of the greatest stretches in history. Swann was a dynamic threat in an offense that craved big plays. Gluefingers had some of the best hands in history and was a nightmare in the postseason.

Tight Ends – Ozzie Newsome and Rodney Holman

Newsome was a tremendous athlete who could catch anything. Had he played for Coryell or Walsh, people would be naming them to Tight End Rushmore. Holman was a terrific blocker and solid receiving threat. Not much tight end depth here – this is the AFC North, not the AFC West.

Tackles – Anthony Munoz and Jonathan Ogden

This was too easy. Munoz is the greatest tackle in history, while Ogden is likely in the top five.

Guards – Gene Hickerson and Alan Faneca

Two similar players in that they were remarkably consistent in executing their assignments, while rarely doing much that would end up on a highlight package.

Center – Mike Webster

When you have a reasonable argument for being the best ever to play your position, you make the list. It’s pretty simple.

Defense

Defensive End – Len Ford and L.C. Greenwood

Ford was the dominant force on the line of Paul Brown’s defensive dynasty, while Greenwood was a very good player who turned into a great player when the stakes were highest.

Defensive Tackle – Joe Greene and Ernie Stautner

Greene was chalk, often topping pundits’ best-of lists. Stautner was high on honors but didn’t’ stand out quite as much on tape. Nevertheless, he did enough to hold off the likes of Michael Dean Perry, Geno Atkins, and Tim Krumrie.

Outside Linebacker – Jack Ham and Terrell Suggs

The OLB position is weird because we’re often comparing guys like the very two I just named. Ham is among the great cover backers in history and excelled in the open field. Suggs was basically a defensive end who could rush the passer and set the edge versus the run.

Middle/Inside Linebacker – Ray Lewis and Jack Lambert

This was another easy one. In my estimation, Lewis and Lambert are both members of MLB Rushmore. They could cover with the best of them, make plays sideline to sideline, and intimidate nearly anyone lined up across from them.

Cornerback – Rod Woodson, Mel Blount, and Lemar Parrish

Woodson is among the most well-rounded corners in history. Blount’s fierce style force rule changes with lasting effects, and he continued to play at an all pro level despite the rules designed to hinder him. Parrish was a fast, lockdown cover man who stifled receivers so well that he forced opposing passers to throw at teammate Ken Riley. ^[1]Much of Riley’s Hall of Fame argument stems from the gaudy interception totals he got, in large part because of Parrish.

Safety – Ed Reed and Troy Polamalu

With respect to my favorite safety of all time, Mr. Ronnie Lott, Ed Reed is the greatest safetyman the game has ever seen. He could play either safety position, excelled in man and zone coverage, played the run much better than people want to remember, and had instincts that could have only come from a radioactive spider. Speaking if instincts, Reed’s division rival Polamalu also possessed a sixth sense for the game. He was a consummate playmaker, especially near the line of scrimmage.

Special Teams and Head Coach

Kicker – Justin Tucker

I really wanted to put Lou Groza’s name here. His nickname is The Toe, for crying out loud. Groza dominated his competition like no kicker before or since. However, much of this comes down to the fact that his competition was just really bad. It’s easy to produce high value of average if average is a steaming bowl of elephant piss. Tucker, on the other hand, has consistently been at or near the top of his craft in the greatest era for kicking in history. Good weather, bad weather, distance, pressure, you name it. Tucker does it.

Punter – Horace Gillom

If I can’t name Groza, I can at least name one antediluvian pigskin kicker. Gillom had a powerful leg and decent enough touch to give his historically great defense (on which he played defensive end) room to maul the opposition.

Head Coach – Paul Brown

Chuck Noll turned the Steelers from a laughing stock into the Steel Curtain dynasty and gained a fanbase that far outstrips the team’s small-town roots. However, Brown is the father of modern coaching, having lasting influence over every part of a team’s operation.

Parting Shot

That’s part one in the books. Hopefully Chase lets me complete the octet. Let me know what you think, especially if you’re angry that I didn’t include history’s greatest blocker, Hines Ward.